Disclaimer

Standard

Never trust a mixed blood.

She will disrupt.

She is not trying to be insolent (well, only sometimes).
It’s just that she doesn’t do binaries.

You will sort things into black and white.
She will ask: how could you forget orange, green, purple and gray?
You will say: those options are not included on this list.
She will want to say: how about me? but instead she’ll swallow her words and wonder why she has to always make things so complicated for herself.

She will inevitably complicate things.

If you want a simple answer, ask someone else.
You will label this side East and this one West.
She will ask: if the earth is round, how can it have two sides?
You will say: why do you always need to ask so many questions?
She knows that there are always at least 3 sides to every argument, but she will swallow her words because she thinks you might have a point.

Ultimately, she is not on your side.

She will not compute.
She will say: it just doesn’t add up.
and keep searching for sums until she finds a multiple.

You will ask her what she is searching for.
She will answer: I don’t know.
She will want to say, I’m searching
for a how-to guide for living in multiple worlds,
searching for the words to write myself into the story,
before I get edited out,
but she knows that
if she says this, you’ll put her under a microscope,
so she swallows her words, again.

She will hesitate.
This may frustrate you.
The only thing she is certain of is that there is always more than one way of doing things, and she cannot speak for others.

She will listen to you speak about “westerners”, and white folks, and “gwai los”, and will nod along, because she agrees that white supremacy is a real thing. She will laugh with you. But keep at it long enough, and she will walk away, because no one is a racial caricature and there are always allies and relationships.

She will listen to you speak about “Asians”, and she will shake her head, because government-sanctioned race-based discrimination is a real thing. She will like you less. But keep at it long enough, and she will nod along sympathetically because ego, sexism, and classism are universal, and there are always jerks and power struggles.

Don’t ask her to take you to her people.
If you have any questions, please see any of the above.

She will get tired of holding this weight in her mind.
She will get tired of holding the weight of your questions
on top of the weight of her own questions.
She is exhausted from the work of translating
once, twice, three times
doing the work to understand the “mainstream”
doing the work to critique it
doing the work to understand the “marginal”
doing the work to critique it
doing the work to understand the overlap
finding a place for herself
then throwing out all her drafts
to start from scratch, again.

Left alone, ambiguity is her status quo.
She is used to gently muddling through
until it starts to make sense.
This stuff takes a long time.

Ultimately, she is not on your side.
She doesn’t do sides.
She will crash through walls.
She will confound borders.
She is a free agent.
And really, she’s just another speck in the universe.

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